We have been so many things and people throughout our lives. At times, we were a son, grandson, godson, brother, cousin, friend, and neighbor. We were what we did: a ball player, busser, cook, salesman, manager, employee, and employer. We were, so often, the tag that was placed on us: funny, sensitive, cute, rough, sometimes smart, and sometimes dumb. For most of our lives we let others identify our identity. Reaching for and embracing our own label was and is what moves our peace needle.
We now know what we wish we had known early in life: that we are a sum of our experiences and that we are who resides deep within us, not necessarily what the world perceives. We are, for the first time, comfortable in our own skin.
Our years of struggling with alcohol and drug abuse were, in retrospect, a natural reaction to a missed connection. Our default response to trauma and tragedy was to apply a classification named abused, misused, misunderstood, or simply misfit. Though there was merit in our misery, the real damage was in deeply identifying the what as the who; what happened to us became who we sat with. And, thus began the conflict, the disconnect between circumstance us and authentic us.
What happened to us is that we piled this tension onto itself and began to buy into the low-hanging identifiers. We became the failure, the loser, the addict. We fought to present the opposite so hard that only a buzz could numb the pain of the battle. You see, it was not the alcohol at the root but the conflict.
Healing took time and began with an understanding that we have never changed. We have just buried the base of who we really are. We had spent a lifetime trying to become while we devastated who we are. We had to buy into the promise that connection with self would produce restoration.
The 12-step recovery solution became the baseline of our return to authenticity. The program, in its entirety, supported the realignment of mind and body, bringing us closer to our inner child, closer to a clarity that had long since left us. The program's practices demanded that we abandon the beliefs that we had manufactured along our life journey. The principles provide guidelines for living that are consistent with the purity of our youth.
The inventory caused us to reconnect with our 3-year-old selves, then us at 5, 7, 9, etc. We had to keep catching up until we moved into real-time, which is where we find ourselves today. Throughout the process, we cleaned up the wreckage of our past actions while working hard to let the child lead in truth and integrity.
We are a story of triumph and are grateful to have reconnected with ourselves. As it was never about the drink, it is that drinker that we embrace today. We are thankful for the lessons they taught us. We now understand why they did what they did. We now understand why they didn't do what was so obvious to us now, as they simply needed the right timing for transformation.
Today, we identify as a son, grandson, godson, brother, cousin, friend, and neighbor. We identify as a husband, father, and grandparent. We identify as a respectful member of society. We identify with our 3-year-old self and the current version of us. Yes, we battle our old selves daily, but less as we focus on healing and understanding the intricacies of the real us.
Thoughts and ideas for this blog post were taken and built upon from a sober.coffee podcast #192 titled "Coming Home - a coffee with author Alle C Hall" The podcast dropped on 11/27/2024. Click here to hear the podcast.
Photo by Luis Villasmil on Unsplash
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Alcoholics Anonymous and AA are registered trademarks of Alcoholics World Service. Inc. References to AA, the 12 steps, and 12 traditions does not mean that AA has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication nor that AA agrees with the views expressed herein. This publication is intended to support personal growth and should not be considered a substitute for healthcare professionals' advice. The author’s advice and viewpoints are their own.
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