Our relationship with shame started in our early years. Rooted in what others conveyed, we learned right from wrong from their perspective. We were rewarded when we acted within their parameters, by their definitions, and harshly chastised for what they deemed improper activity. These responses spurred uncomfortable feelings inside us. We have come to know them as guilt and shame. The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is about a specific action, while shame is about a person's overall sense of self. It is shame that we address today.
Adding to the complexity of this emotion, the people teaching us violated core human values and truths, forcing contradictions into our life space. Standards were then set, and those values ran concurrent with our conduct. The negative emotion associated with deviant behavior was more than a child could process. Left unable to manage, the experiences became untreated traumas that followed us into adulthood, where, in a quest to negate the feelings of inadequacies, we turned to the numbing qualities of alcohol consumption.
We spent decades avoiding radical honesty. We wasted countless hours, marred in the misery of those unprocessed moments. In our defense, we did not know that a healing process was available to anybody ready to become totally honest with themselves and the actualities of the situations that caused pain. We chose self-medication of the symptoms over the treatment of truth.
Once we removed the side effects of intoxication, we saw clearly a path to the peace that had evaded us. That is when the work began. We learned of a plan of action that allowed us to process what pained us. We learned how to forgive ourselves and others for the ills of the past and how to avoid future conflicts of character. We found healing through the principles and practices of Alcoholics Anonymous.
We have reconciled with our experiences by working a thorough 12-step recovery plan. No, life is not all rainbows, roses, and unicorns. Conversely, it is challenging most of the time but void of the weight of regrets. We still act poorly at times and feel guilt, but we feel no shame as we know that we stand on undeniable truth.
We have processed the reality of our six-year-old selves. We have forgiven ourselves and those who have harmed us. We have accepted that our current position is a culmination of each and every decision and action we have taken. For the first time, we are at peace with ourselves as people. We are living authenticity. We are transparent yet guarded. We protect our sobriety as a priority, for without it, we have nothing.
There are so many resources available to begin the journey of dealing with shame head-on. With a little effort each day, the weight can be lifted for those ready and willing to do the work.
Our prayer is for those still struggling with this powerful emotion: that they recognize the beauty within and move towards the place of peace that awaits them.
Thoughts and ideas for this blog post were taken and built upon from a sober.coffee bonus podcast #185 titled "Soul Hustle" - Coffee with Valarie" The podcast dropped on 10/9/2024. Click here to hear the podcast.
Photo by Fons Heijnsbroek, abstract art on Unsplash
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Alcoholics Anonymous and AA are registered trademarks of Alcoholics World Service. Inc. References to AA, the 12 steps, and 12 traditions does not mean that AA has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication nor that AA agrees with the views expressed herein. This publication is intended to support personal growth and should not be considered a substitute for healthcare professionals' advice. The author’s advice and viewpoints are their own.
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